So, today is Mardi Gras. Fat Tuesday, a day to indulge before 40 days of self-discipline. Pretty similar to Ramadan. I’m not Catholic. But I think I could do with some spiritual cleansing. And really, I don’t think you have to give up anything. I would like to think that we can take up a discipline to enforce a good habit for beyond the Lenten season. With all that being said, I have come up with some realistic goals for myself.
1. Work on a puzzle, such as a crossword or Sudoku every morning. My hope is that I get used to spending at least an hour away from a computer screen every morning, and allow myself to exercise my brain instead of checking my Facebook.
2. Read or hand-write every evening for at least an hour before bed. Again, this is to end my day away from a computer or television screen. This will also help with more private and open self reflection.
3. Start Jillian Michaels Yoga Meltdown. I’ve never tried yoga before. It would be a real exercise for me (mentally and physically), I think.
These are my goals. I’ve read a lot recently about spending time away from screens. We have been taken over by having the Internet accessible in so many ways. I just need to step away from that and worry less about who is reading my blogs, what wedding inspirations I can work with, and what everyone else is doing. I will not ward off the Internet entirely, but m hope is that I will be much more productive with what I choose to do because my time will be limited significantly. Either that or I will have to wake up much earlier and go to bed much later!
Loving myself is often a challenge. I like to think I pamper myself and take care of myself, but spiritually and emotionally, I have been drowning.
This all became apparent on Saturday night when a little tiff with my fiancee ended with me literally sobbing for an hour. And I’m talking full force ugly cry with sound effects that should not (and possibly can’t) be repeated. It was awful, and it had nothing to do with E. He tried valiantly to comfort me and hep me work out a plan and listen to everything that was tumbling out of my mouth at ridiculous speed garbled by the crying sounds. I do not recommend holding this all in to anyone. And it was hard to realize and come to terms with my “depression,” of sorts.
You see, everyone, I think this comes down to pride. I am frustrated and sad and unable to understand why I am not a desirable candidate for a job. I have always been a go-getter, a person that works to get to the top. A person that doesn’t typically fail. I came to terms with failure in college, and I am understanding of that. But its hard to think of a very expensive education not being put to use. It’s hard to think that I look bad on paper. I must really look bad on paper. And on top of that, I also don’t really know what I want to do. And I think that’s the hardest part. Can I invest myself so fully into something I may not love forever just to be doing something? This is my honest dilemma.
I have so much to be thankful for that it becomes really hard to tell anyone these things, so I am coming clean. I am thankful for the love in my life, for my family, friends, and for the everyday comforts that surround me. I am thankful for my great education. And I am thankful for being able to write daily in a public forum. But, I want more. Is that bad? I want to be appreciated for my talents, and I want to be a better contributor to my family, my fiancee, and to society. So today, I begin to make things happen. I begin to study, to write more, to research and to figure out what I should do. And I stop moping and holding in all this frustration. I will keep going and taking the steps I need to take, and I will practice patience. Life will get better. I will be better, and in the end I will love myself wholly for everything I tried to do.
Thanks for sticking with me for yet another emotional breakdown. I appreciate it.
Re-reading The Secret Life of Bees has been so great because after reading Traveling with Pomegranates, I feel like I have read a “behind-the-scenes-making-of-Bees” special! I’m sure, by now, you can tell that I am a big fan of those little documentaries on DVDs.
Anyway, I am still in the process of reading Bees. Congratulate me. It’s been a few days, and I am only on the third or fourth chapter. I am loving it all over again. Kidd is an amazing storyteller, and what astounds me is how little details from her life inspire her but don’t take over the story. In other words, she’s not transforming what her life is into fiction. She weaves the little details in to enhance the story to make it more believable and relatable.
It makes me wonder what I would write a story about. A job-hunting, Type A, Asian-American, recently engaged grad who thinks entirely too much about her far away nuptials and details in the fabric of story making doesn’t seem to make the best character in a novel. That’s the point. Kidd isn’t writing about a middle-aged woman. She writes about a teenager in the 60s. Maybe she knows her or was her at some point, but it’s not obvious. I’m just babbling now. Excuse me while I continue to marvel at this stunning effect in writing.