Loving myself is often a challenge. I like to think I pamper myself and take care of myself, but spiritually and emotionally, I have been drowning.
This all became apparent on Saturday night when a little tiff with my fiancee ended with me literally sobbing for an hour. And I’m talking full force ugly cry with sound effects that should not (and possibly can’t) be repeated. It was awful, and it had nothing to do with E. He tried valiantly to comfort me and hep me work out a plan and listen to everything that was tumbling out of my mouth at ridiculous speed garbled by the crying sounds. I do not recommend holding this all in to anyone. And it was hard to realize and come to terms with my “depression,” of sorts.
You see, everyone, I think this comes down to pride. I am frustrated and sad and unable to understand why I am not a desirable candidate for a job. I have always been a go-getter, a person that works to get to the top. A person that doesn’t typically fail. I came to terms with failure in college, and I am understanding of that. But its hard to think of a very expensive education not being put to use. It’s hard to think that I look bad on paper. I must really look bad on paper. And on top of that, I also don’t really know what I want to do. And I think that’s the hardest part. Can I invest myself so fully into something I may not love forever just to be doing something? This is my honest dilemma.
I have so much to be thankful for that it becomes really hard to tell anyone these things, so I am coming clean. I am thankful for the love in my life, for my family, friends, and for the everyday comforts that surround me. I am thankful for my great education. And I am thankful for being able to write daily in a public forum. But, I want more. Is that bad? I want to be appreciated for my talents, and I want to be a better contributor to my family, my fiancee, and to society. So today, I begin to make things happen. I begin to study, to write more, to research and to figure out what I should do. And I stop moping and holding in all this frustration. I will keep going and taking the steps I need to take, and I will practice patience. Life will get better. I will be better, and in the end I will love myself wholly for everything I tried to do.
Thanks for sticking with me for yet another emotional breakdown. I appreciate it.